Naughty Newt..

Why is it every time I see the name Newt Gingrich I think of “The Grinch”?

Twenty things I will not miss from 2011

20.  Being without electricity and heat for six days due to a freak Halloween snowstorm

19.    Being without electricity and air conditioning for three days due to Hurricane Irene

18.    Tornadoes

17.     Earthquakes–whether they hit Japan or Virginia

16.    Chaz Bono

15.    The “Footloose” remake

14.   The Duggars

13.   High gas prices

12.   Leaky roofs

11.   Amanda Knox

10.   Charlie Sheen

9.     Demi and Ashton

8.    Kim K, her wedding, the divorce and the entire Kardashian clan

7.     Harold Camping

6.     Herman Cain

5.     Conrad Murray

4.    Casey Anthony

3.    Whitey Bulger

2.   Ghadafi

1.  Osama Bin Laden

 

With that said, HAPPY NEW YEAR!  BRING ON 2012!

 

MEMO

TO:  All Employees

FROM:  The Prez and CEO

RE:  Where do we go from here?

DATE:  December 31, 2011

Today we issued a press release regarding the impact the weather had on our final quarter results.  As the wonderful, brown-nosing President and CEO of this God-forsaken company, I felt it necessary to put this announcement in perspective for you.

Being in the insurance industry I’m sure you can all agree that 2011 was a rough year for us.  The first six months of the year had property and casualty insurers reporting the worst losses since 2001.  Hurricane Irene, a freak earthquake in Virginia and Washington, D. C., several tornadoes in areas that never get tornadoes and a whopper of an autumn snowstorm didn’t help matters any.

Because of all these shitty weather-related disasters our company is hurting big time.  But hey, that’s the nature of the biz, right?  We must continue on and remember that our real job is to keep bullshitting our partners and customers into believing they are dealing with an A-class insurance company.  Which of course they aren’t.

Despite all the weather-related challenges we have faced this year, I’m elated with how we responded.  I really think this company has the oomph and somewhat talented employees it needs to go forward from here.  Although all those other big insurance companies are running around like chickens who have lost their heads (and in the process are making a lot more money than we will ever see), we go from here with the truth and consequence that define us today, which totally sets us apart from all those other moron insurance companies.  Yes, there are ones out there that are more moronic than we are.

I know that in the coming months we will beat those insurance bastards at their own game, as they are distracted by all that is happening weather-wise, and we will push on to make ourselves the best of the worst in our industry.

As always I kiss your asses for all you do and want you to keep it up as we go from here to who knows where.

 

All the best,

The Prez and CEO

True charity remains anonymous

I’m all for charity and giving to those less fortunate.  I’m even more for large companies that lend a helping hand to those in need.  What I don’t like is when those companies brag about it just to make a name for themselves.

I’m referring to a well-known insurance company who recently brought media attention to itself when it decided to help a working mother out.  According to the story in the paper this woman, who has a child and works three jobs, was told by a body shop that she shouldn’t be driving her old vehicle when she took the car into their shop for repairs.  The story doesn’t elaborate on how old her car was or what was wrong with it.  I can only assume that they felt it was unsafe for her to drive.

So now this woman with her child, whom she just so happens to drive to school (why the kid doesn’t take a school bus like any other kid, I don’t know) is left without a car.  She has three jobs but now is without a way to get to any of them (of course I happen to know that there is indeed public transportation in this woman’s city–but I guess that’s beside the point).  I also would like to think that she is making more than minimum wage at least ONE of the jobs; again, I can only assume.  For all I know she works at McDonald’s, Burger King and Wendy’s.  But with three jobs and the fact that she did have a car at one point (albeit a probable piece of shit), I’m left to wonder how she could not afford another vehicle.

But here comes the good ol’ mighty Corporate America Insurance Company to save the day!  Yes, along with a program that had offered this woman and her child temporary shelter when their housing situation became “uncertain” (I can read that to mean just about anything–abusive situation, possible eviction, foreclosure, fire–who knows?), the Insurance Company and a body shop working with the insurance company got together and provided this woman with a “refurbished” vehicle.  Yes, people, this woman’s piece of shit car was replaced with another piece of shit car.  The Insurance Company had obtained the vehicle through a policyholder.  Which tells me the vehicle was not just “given” by the policyholder; the Insurance Company “bought” the vehicle because it was deemed a total loss.  Then the body shop fixed it up–”refurbished” it–and PRESTO!  Now this woman is driving around in a salvaged piece of shit!  Yeah!  I hope she’s getting a deal from the Insurance Company on the auto coverage.  And I hope she can afford the gas (they decided to give her a van–yes, a big gas guzzling VAN).  Now I don’t know how old this van is but I can tell you this much:  they don’t make the model any longer!  So she’ll probably be back in that same body shop by New Year’s with that refurbished piece of shit wondering if the wonderful Insurance Company will come through for her again with another piece of salvaged shit…

That’s all your sweet charity at work.  I hope the Insurance Company enjoys the free publicity.

Santa speaks out!

It seems that Christine Rousselle’s recent popular essay “My Time at Walmart:  Why We Need Serious Welfare Reform” has not only sparked attention locally but has also reached the realm of the North Pole.

Never one to sit idle when there is something on his mind, Santa promptly wrote a letter in response to Rousselle when he read the essay in the “Naughty or Nice” section of the North Pole Gazette.

Here is what the Big Red Gift Giver had to say:

Dear Christine:

I read your essay about the two summers you spent working as a cashier at Wal-Mart in Maine.  Good for you that you were able to get a job during the summers you were out of school.  And at Wally World.  Wow.  That’s even better.  Of course, it’s not as good as some of your peers who were able to obtain jobs as assistants in law offices or positions with non-profit organizations that make a difference in our world.

You speak of all the “toiling” you did at your register, “scanning, bagging and dealing with questionable clientele”.  First of all, my dear, in order to “toil” one must actually break a sweat.  Ringing various items into a cash register doesn’t add up to “toiling”, no matter how fast you do it.  As for the people you consider to be “questionable clientele”, these are customers shopping at the store where you work.  You are working in a CUSTOMER SERVICE environment.  If it weren’t for these customers, you wouldn’t have a job.  Referring to them as “clientele” makes you sound like you’re a prostitute working at a brothel.  And as “questionable” as you may think they are, they are human beings and deserve as much as respect as you think YOU deserve.  Then again, I’m thinking maybe you don’t think you deserve much respect at all and that is why you think of other people the way you do.

Yes, people are destitute and it’s very noble of you to state that you understand that.  But I wonder if you really grasp the entire problem.  In my travels around the world I have seen more poverty than you’ll ever see in your lifetime.  I’ve seen children going to bed hungry.  I’ve seen single mothers struggling to keep a roof over their children’s heads.  I’ve seen men “toiling” (REALLY toiling!) at shit jobs making minimum wage so they can put some food on the table.  Yep, Santa’s seen it all, kiddo.  All that “massive amounts of welfare fraud and abuse” you witnessed at your Walmart job is nothing compared to what I witness every day.

Don’t you find it hypocritical to first state you understand people being destitute and that you’re “not against temporary aid helping those who truly need it” but then you say you ”witnessed generations of families all relying on the state to buy food and other items”.  Well, I ask you, if you are not against temporary aid, why are you against these people buying food and other items?  The temporary aid is there.  They need food, sanitary napkins, a toy, earrings, cleaning supplies, whatever.  Are you saying that because they are receiving state aid that they should be deprived of things that you yourself would buy?

I can tell that you really don’t  understand how temporary aid programs really work, Christine.  I understood that when I read your statement about the man from Massachusetts using his welfare card for an ID to buy alcohol.  Yes, Dukakis’ signature was on it (although I really doubt you noticed the signature) and yes his term ended in January of 1991.  Goody for you that you are up-to-date on your politics.  It’s good to know you’re getting something out of that college education.  And goody for you that you were born in 1991.  But, dear, that doesn’t mean that this man had been on welfare your entire life.  Remember, he used the card as an ID to buy alcohol.  I can tell you for a fact (as Santa has spent quite a bit of time in Massachusetts himself), that the card you saw is an outdated card, that if that guy was still really on welfare, he would have a NEW card with the signature of Deval Patrick on it.  The card may have even been a fake ID.  And the entire story you are telling in your essay could also be pure bullshit.  Which I have the feeling it is.  So, see, you don’t really understand temporary aid at all.

I bet you also don’t understand that there are physically disabled people in this world who will never be able to “toil” away as a cashier at Walmart because they are confined to a wheelchair or they are autistic.  Much to your chagrin, Christine, these people receive aid from the state as well.  They receive food stamps which they use to buy two Cokes, a Sprite, two bags of Lays potato chips and a large Reese’s on a weekly basis, along with a clock, because being autistic, this is what they do.  This is what their pleasure is.  And if that is what it takes to please someone, then so be it, whether you like it or not.

You next list all the other things you didn’t like seeing while you worked at Walmart such as people ignoring you while talking on their iPhones while the state paid for their food.  Then you go into detail about the cost of the phone.  Whoa.  First of all, Christine, make sure you know FOR A FACT that they are talking on an iPhone.  Secondly, maybe you should keep in mind that the person you are so angry about talking on an alleged expensive cell phone while the state pays for their food may very well have put  money into the state themselves as a working person at one time.  How do you know that person isn’t a recently laid off person?  You know why you don’t, Christine?  Because you are what they call IGNORANT.  And ignorance is not always bliss.

Next you complain about the people who use their Temporary Aid to Needy Families cash to buy such “necessities” like earrings, KitKat bars, beer, WWE figurines and a slip n’slide.  Why do you have such a problem with people buying these things, Christine?  Because in your ignorant, twitty 20-year-old mind you feel they don’t deserve these items since they are getting them using money from the state?  Picture this, Christine:  You are a 21-year-old single mother of two who has just lost her job at Walmart because she was too busy trying to notice all the welfare recipients and what they were purchasing.  Now you yourself are on welfare and lo and behold, your little ones want–gasp–!  A slip n’ slide.  Are you going to deny them that?  Did you have a slip n’ slide when you were a kid, Christine?  Maybe you didn’t.  Maybe that’s why you have such a problem with them.  Think about it.  If you can let your fragile 20-year-old peabrain do so.

At this time of year Santa sees all kinds of things like this.  A single mother has to decide which bill she isn’t going to pay in December so she can have more money to buy presents for her kids.  As a college student I’m sure your biggest concern is where the next keg party is.

Then you go on to complain about the “extravagant” food purchases people make with their food stamps like steaks, lobsters and–oh no!–not giant birthday cakes!  Oh, God forbid if someone getting food stamps has a birthday to celebrate!  We can’t have that, now can we?  As for the steaks and lobsters, they are food, so why should people be denied buying them?  Just because you don’t like it?  But I’ll bet it’s okay for you to have a steak dinner with Mommy and Daddy when you go home to Maine, right?  And how about all those Maine lobsters you consume during the summer?  Hm?

Getting to the hotdog guy.  Just because the guy runs a hotdog stand and just so happens to buy hotdogs, buns, etc. doesn’t mean you can assume he is buying that stuff with food stamps for his business.  He may be buying it for a cookout.  And it really wouldn’t be any of your business anyway if he was buying it for his business.  Seems to me that you had a lot of time on your hands during your “toiling” as a cashier at Wally World, Christine.

As for the bell pepper woman, well, if that story is true, I’m sure she sensed your ignorance and felt you deserved to be yelled at.  As with my personal experience with Walmart cashiers, many of them DO deserve to be yelled at.  Cracking my eggs.  Squashing my bread.  Not being able to give me correct change.  In fact, I’m shocked as to how some of them even get hired.  Apparently at some Walmart locations having good hygiene is not an important hiring factor.

I have to disagree with you on the next paragraph in your essay, Christine.  Yes, EBT totals are printed on receipts.  But that’s only good if the damn cashier gives you the receipt.  And sorry, but no, every cell phone does NOT have a calculator.  I know for a fact because I have a cell phone WITHOUT a calculator!  Again, dear, don’t assume everyone has a cell phone and that everyone with a cell phone has a calculator.  Because you should know what “assume” did to you …

Now I can understand your frustration with the two women and the WIC vouchers and the $3.48 vaccum.  Although they may not have been what you considered to be “intelligent” people (then again, I could say the same for many employees at Walmart…) but that is no reason to refer to them as Welfare Queens.  You don’t know their stories, Christine.  For all you know one of them or both of them may have recently escaped an abusive relationship.  And I can understand where they are coming from with the $3.48 vaccum.  I’ve been in similar situations with items placed in certain areas at Walmart (whether they are really supposed to be there or not) and so I figure the price is one thing when it really is another.  That’s why I always try to use one of those price scanners found around Wally World.  When they work, they can be very helpful in knowing exactly what a price is, especially since Wally World is infamous for not putting price stickers on everything.  I’m also not buying your entire story on this one, either, Christine.  As for you stating that they remind you why you vote Republican, I’ve asked many of your Republicans who keep harking on welfare reform as to how they plan on doing it.  I’m still waiting for answers.  And I know I won’t get any.  Because like you, Christine, they too are close-minded people.

Maine is not the only state in the nation that has people suffering from poverty, Christine.  Poverty is nationwide.  You should know.  You go to college in one of the most poverty-stricken states in the Nation–Rhode Island.  You talk about people in Maine not having a time limit nor motivation to go back to work.  But did you ever stop and think that maybe they would love to go back to work but there is no work to go back to?  You seem so up-and-up on all your state aid information but yet you don’t seem to even know what is happening around you.  Open your eyes, kid.  You’ll see a whole new world.

In closing, Christine, as Santa I have one wish for you:  I wish that when you finish college with a degree in whatever it is you are going to school for, you struggle to find a job like so many others have.  You struggle so much you have to move back home to Maine to live with Mommy and Daddy.  You marry one of those dim-wits who have proposed to you.  When they wake up from their narrow-minded state and see your true shallowness, they’ll drop you like a bomb after the second kid comes along.  You’ll be struggling to make ends meet working at Wally World while buying your steaks, lobsters and slip n’ slides with your EBT card.  Then you’ll TRULY see how the other half lives, Christine.

Merry Christmas!

Santa

P.S.:  If you’re working at the Walmart in Maine this summer I’ll be sure to drop in.  You’ll recognize me because I’ll be the fat old fart in the red shorts and long white beard buying steaks, lobsters and WWE figurines for the elves with my EBT card.  And if you don’t like it, too bad.

 

A little turkey humor

Which would you rather be?  The turkey…or the butt?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Shopping list…CHECK!

Ah, only a week until the ULTIMATE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING EXPERIENCE!  BLACK FRIDAY!  YEAH!

I’ve been doing this since I was a teen-ager and I just love it.  The turkey hangover, the lack of sleep, the traffic, the crowds, the hot stores, the items you wish were on sale but aren’t….it’s all good.  Really.

And the biggest shock this year came with last week’s release of Wally World’s BF ad!  What is the world coming to?  A Walmart BF ad released TO THE PUBLIC before November 21?  STOP THE PRESSES!  Not that there was anything too exciting in the ad anyway.  Shit for toys (but the ride-on cars for $100.00 is a steal).  History repeats itself every year with Walmart.  I can always count on them for $9.00 mens jeans, towels for a little more than a buck, umpteenth count thread sheets for twenty bucks…same old, same old. 

But what I like best is the EXPERIENCE.  There’s nothing like standing in the freezing cold for a few hours waiting for the store to open while you innocently overhear people standing  near you discuss their shoplifting strategy, or pretend that you’re actually paying attention to the old lady in front of you who is rambling on about her ten grandkids and how she can only afford to get one of them a gift, or roll your eyes at the woman who is stupid enough to drag her three kids (all under age five) out into the cold to go Black Friday shopping.  There’s nothing like entering Walmart at 4:00 a.m. to see a stumpy, bedraggled employee desperately standing on a table in the snack bar shouting “FURBIES ARE GONE!”.  And you thank your lucky stars that you weren’t there for a Furby anyway…

Ah, good ol’ Black Friday… BRING IT!

Why didn’t I think of this?

<a href=”http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/no-more-kardashian.html”>No More Kardashian Petition | GoPetition

 

One way to get those twits out of the media….

It’s already beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

1. It’s snowing…REALLY snowing! Sticking to the ground, probably need to shovel a little, SNOWING! YEAH!

2. WODS is going to do their “HOHO Dough” thing starting Tuesday…okay so a once-a-day listen of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” is a start…but when will the FULL FLEDGED Christmas music playing begin?

3. The stores are already gearing up for Christmas! Walmart has all their stupid musical novelty toys out (this year there’s a dog in a cage with a bag of coal singing “Nuttin’ for Christmas” and a singing hippo crooning–what else?–”I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas”!)

4. Black Friday is less than a month away…leaked ads are ssssssllllloooowwwllllyyy being leaked this year…

5. Thanksgiving is also less than a month away…let’s put away the Hershey bars and talk turkey!

Well it only took 42 years…

but at last the people of Lybia can move on to a more positive, enduring future.