How the fight started: A few bits of weekend humor…

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started….
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My wife walked into the den & asked “What’s on the TV?”

I replied “Dust”.

And that’s how the fight started….
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.’

And that’s how the fight started….
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that’s how the fight started….
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I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.

So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’

And that’s when the fight started….
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed, I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’

So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’

And that’s when the fight started….
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

And that’s when the fight started….
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.   I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started….
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I  kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend.  I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘Wow!’ says my wife. ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And that’s when the fight started….
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’

So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

And that’s when the fight started….
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.

‘ He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

I guess eight isn’t enough

Speaking from the perspective of a woman who struggled for years to conceive a child, I feel that Nadya Suleman, the woman who gave birth to octuplets and…ooops…forgot to mention she had six others at home, is a pretty selfish person.

What is/was she trying to prove? Worse yet, what kind of doctor lets someone in her situation use fertility drugs? Single, already the mother of six kids, no source of income. Who in their right mind would want to be in a situation like that?

The only people I feel sorry for are the kids. They didn’t ask for this and what kind of lives are they going to have?

Craigslist losers

Question:  what kind of person goes on to Craigslist’s Rants and Raves section and starts harassing innocent people who post true rants and raves regarding a variety of subjects (from a sweet deal they got on an item they bought to a new restaurant they just ate at)? 

 

Answer:  A LOSER, that’s who.

 

Like Facebook, Craigslist has done nothing good for the general internet community.  The only thing it has done is create a haven for people to go to harass, threaten and piss-off others.  These are people who obviously have nothing better to do.  They are no better than the loser on Facebook who spends hours on end playing poker with his faceless Facebook “friends”.  If anything, these Craigslist losers are WORSE because they’re just sitting on their asses making post after post flagging anything being said and intimidating others.  At least on Facebook the losers are playing poker….

Does this seem kosher to you?

Scenario:  you are a homeowner.  You experience damage to your home due to an ice storm.  Also during the ice storm you lose power for a long period of time.  This causes you to purchase a generator and a space heater so you don’t freeze in your home because the electric company that supplies power for your town SUCKS and it will take THREE WEEKS to restore power to your area.

 

You place a claim with your insurance company.  They agree to reimburse you for the generator and the heater.  The catch is that they have to take the items from you.  Hm…something doesn’t smell right in New Jersey….

Renee Z’s in town…

for the Woman of the Year celebration at Harvard.

I wonder if she’ll make a jaunt to Connecticut to pop into Bella’s for a bite while she’s here…or maybe buy some more Hungarian paprika….hm….

Eleven rules for real life

Love him or hate him, Bill Gates sure hits the nail on the head with this one.  Good advice for kids of any age:

 

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a high school about eleven things they did not and will not learn in school.  He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

 

RULE 1:  Life is not fair-get used to it!

 

RULE 2:  The world won’t care about your self-esteem.  The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

 

RULE 3:  You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.  You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

 

RULE 4:  If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss.

 

RULE 5:  Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.  Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:  they called it opportunity.

 

RULE 6:  If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

 

RULE 7:  Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now.  They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were.  So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

 

RULE 8:  Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT.  In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.  This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

 

RULE 9:  Life is not divided into semesters.  You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.  Do that on your own time.

 

RULE 10:  Television is NOT real life.  In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

 

RULE 11:  Be nice to nerds.  Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

The one day I would re-live (if I could)

Since today is Groundhog Day (and trust me, the theory about the groundhog and his shadow doesn’t mean much to me), I thought it would be interesting to discuss the one day I would re-live if I could.

That day would be the day my daughter was born.  Up until she came into my life, I always considered my most memorable day to be my wedding day.  But that changed with my baby’s birth.

I guess you could say it actually started the day before she was born.  It was a Monday.  I had gone to my OB for my weekly appt.  Everything was fine and he scheduled me for a C-section the following Tuesday (a week later).  I wasn’t crazy about having a C-section but he said due to how she was positioned and her size, it was the best way. 

That night I prayed to God to help me accept the fact that I was having a C-section and that it would be the following week.  I had been hoping the doctor would induce me following my appointment.  My daughter had been due on the ninth and it was now almost the 13th.  I remember telling myself that what would be would be and to leave it in God’s hands.

My plan was to go to work the rest of the week and Friday would be my last day, since the following Tuesday I’d have my C-section.  It didn’t quite happen that way.

Tuesday morning I woke up at about 5:15 to go to the bathroom.  When I was through, I went back to bed and my husband got up to use the bathroom.  Then he came back to bed.  No sooner had he lay down when I suddenly felt this “gush” between my legs.

“Oh, my God!”  I shouted.  “My water just broke!”

My husband jumped out of bed and ran over to my side of the bed.  “Are you sure?”

“Yes!  There’s a puddle between my legs!”

He kissed me and then went to call the doctor.  Meanwhile, I got up and put a towel between my legs.  I was expecting the contractions to start any minute.  One thing I knew for sure was that by the end of that day, I would be holding a baby in my arms.

We got to the hospital by 7:00.  Still no contractions.  By now I was expecting to be writhing in pain.  But nothing.  The nurses got me all hooked up with their monitors.  The first time my OB came in to see me was 10:00.  He took a look at how I was progressing and said that I was not dialated enough and that he could not feel the baby’s head.  She was not coming down the birth canal.  He told me he’d check back again at 2:00 and if there was no further progress then, he’d proceed with the C-section. 

Sure enough, 2:00 came and went.  Baby still was not far enough down so they got me into delivery.  The only pain I felt that day was from the needle the anethesiologist used to numb me.

After poking and proding for what seemed like forever, he suddenly said, “Okay, lay down fast.”  Before I knew it, I was numb from head to toe.  What a strange sensation!

My husband was still preparing in the other room, getting all gowned up.   I kept talking to myself to stay awake while I waited for him to arrive.  I was afraid I would fall asleep and miss the big moment.

As soon as he came in, the doctor started.  I just kept talking to my husband to stay awake.  At 2:41 p.m. we heard the first sounds of our daughter’s cry as she was pulled from my womb and checked over by the neonatal unit.  My husband went to see her as she was weighed for the first time and he snapped her first picture.  Then he came back to show me her photo.

“Does she have all her fingers and toes?”  I asked with tears in my eyes.

“Every single one,” he replied.

A few minutes later he brought our little girl over for me to see.  She looked so perfect, so healthy, so beautiful.  I can still see her as she looked that day.  Her little eyes all scrunched up and closed.  Her little face all wrinkly.  Wrapped in a pink and white hospital blanket with a little hat on her head.

After a few moments of bonding, the nurses and my husband left with our baby to go to the nursery and I contentedly fell asleep, dreaming of my baby.

What a week it’s been!

With the countless layoffs, cowardly suicides and crazy weather that affected the country this past week, it’s good to know that we can all toss our cares aside tomorrow, park our asses on the couch and pig out on nachos and two-alarm-fire buffalo wings while witnessing two of the NFL’s alleged best football teams go head-to-head.  Please.  Tell me when this nightmare is over.

The best thing about the Super Bowl will be Springsteen’s show at halftime.  JMO, of course.  Then again, I do consider myself a big fan of The Boss.  Although I won’t be watching the game (I could care less who wins), if I time it just right, I may turn the tube on just in time to see Bruce.

Speaking of Bruce, I can understand how some fans became upset by his deal with Walmart exclusively selling his greatest hits CD.  Here is Springsteen, strong advocate for the common everyday laborer and there is Walmart, alleged perpetrator of worker’s rights.  The Boss has apologized for his decision.  Say what you want about Walmart–at least they haven’t been in the news due to layoffs.

BTW, if you are considering picking up Walmart’s exclusive Springsteen CD, save your $10.00 and put it towards buying his NEW CD.  The GH has ten songs on it, all from prior Bruce CD’s; if you are the average Bruce fan, you probably own the albums already which contain all of those songs.  Just create your own GH mix CD for free.